Forbidden Fruit (April 3, 2017)

My daughter says she's never seen me light up with pure excitement and joy as I did the moment you grabbed me from behind as we left church yesterday. It was shocking to see your smiling face ~ because after all ~ during one of our last conversations your first words to me were, "I don't live in San Diego anymore. I'm in Jalisco." That sent as many shockwaves up my spine as seeing you yesterday ~ three. months. later. Three Months!

Over that time I tried to forget the caresses, the tenderness in your touch and your sweet whispers of love to me. I tried to forget that just a just a couple of weeks before you "disappeared" you were on a beach in Puerto Rico at night ~ screaming into the phone how much you loved me. That the day you returned we spent several hours drinking wine and simply caressing each other. You looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you so much...."

The rest of that night was history.

That was three months ago around Christmas. And it was just one of many nights just like it. Each time, we didn't want to let go of each other. We craved each caress and just couldn't resist drawing each other in so close that we were literally bonded, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

But all of that love or whatever it was ~ was also a lie.

Because now while it took you a year to tell me you were married, you immediately said you were going through a divorce. She was moving out. She moved out. You didn't love or want her in your life. But that "move" to Jalisco was not a solitary move. She was with you.

In my heart, you were dead after that phone call. That was less than two weeks ago.
But I buried you. Tried to mentally compose a text that I would send you to let you know the deceit, deception, lies, hurt, pain, betrayal and how you took advantage of a woman who was one of your best friends. But the words never came. I never wrote them down. Because if I did, I know I'd send it to you and that would be the end. Even though I knew the end had already come, his behavior was so bizarre and it all happened so fast ~ I was dazed. 

Then yesterday.

Ironically Pastor Miles sermon was about Pure Sex. Sex that is reserved for the one you love and only in marriage. That even lusting after someone else was a sin. That even a hug that lasted more than 10 seconds meant something more than friendship. You sat through that sermon, Alberto. You heard those words. They had to resonate with you. And still, 10 minutes later as I was walking to my car with my daughter and her friend Patrick, you rushed me, grabbed and hugged me so tight I could hardly breathe. A woman who you had tasted "forbidden fruit" with ~ after a sermon like that.

But I too was caught up in the moment. As if none of the last few months even existed. There was Alberto chasing me down, in front of my daughter after a sermon about "Pure Sex!" 

As Amber told him, she's never seen me so happy. And she's right. At that moment, just seeing you again erased all of the past pain and hurt and heartache. Just one caress showed me how much you really do care. We talked, hugged and even kissed right there in front of the Rock Church after *that* sermon!'

Since he chose to approach me as I was walking to the car with my daughter, I wanted him to meet her. You just walked into my family, and he wasn't going to be able to slither away unnoticed. You shook your head and said, "no no" when I said, "I want you to meet my daughter." She felt the reluctance in you. But that didn't matter. You put yourself in that position. I wanted you to know that I'm a real person, with real feelings and has a daughter who loves me. Sorry, buddy. It's all in your face now.

It was a quick meeting. Because we simply couldn't keep our eyes or hands off each other. As we walked towards our cars, I asked a stranger to take a picture of us. Because in my mind ~ this was it. I wanted a memory that I could look at and say "That's Alberto, my lover, my unforbidden fruit".

We walked back to our cars, and I told him how much he hurt me by "moving" to Jalisco without telling me or even saying goodbye. You said, "No, no. That was just a vacation, I have lots of family down there and they'd like me to live there, but no it was just a vacation". 

As we got close to Amber's car, you pulled me aside grabbed me and kissed me with as much passion as any of those nights we shared. I got caught up in the moment, but I pulled away. I wanted him to know he hurt me and this was not right. You asked me when my next day off and I blurted out, "Wednesday."  When I should have said right then and there, "Alberto, I don't want to see you again. You lied to me, you're still with your wife and I want nothing to do with you." 

But that didn't happen.

He walked away. I got in my daughter's car and felt nauseous and very confused. 

I know what I want to happen from here on out...
I know what *should* happen from here on out...
But I honestly don't know what will happen.
More than likely he won't call and that will be that.
But will I call him. For one more lashing of how he hurt me, lied to me, used me and abandoned me.

I don't know... I'm so confused..but I AM still thinking about you!

We must have been stone crazy
And we thought we were just friends
Cause I miss you baby
And I've got those feelings again

I guess I'm all confused about you
I feel so in love
Oh baby
What can I do?

I've been thinking about you
I've been thinking about you
I've been thinking about you, oh yeah
I've been thinking about you
Shi pow pow

Hey, suddenly we're strangers
I watch you walking away
She was my one temptation
Oh I did not want her to stay

Deep down I'm still confused about you
Oh, yes I am baby
I feel so in love
Oh baby, what can I do

I've been thinking about you
I've been thinking about you
I've been thinking about you
Oh yeah
I've been thinking about you
I've got you on my mind

I've been thinking about you
I've been thinking about you