23 September 2015
Alberto
It was a normal March day, sunny, warm with a slight breeze. I was cleaning my new apartment. Feeling productive and in an unusually good mood. About then someone knocked on my door. It was the apartment’s head maintenance guy, Alberto. He had become a friend of mine over the past six months. He went out of his way to greet me, always friendly and always there when I needed something done in my apartment. He was as sweet as they come.
But then one day that all changed.
He came to my apartment to fix something. And we chatted. He was overly friendly and we both talked about being lonely. He was astonished that I didn’t have anyone in my life saying, “Look at you!” Besides the ego boost at that moment, it was also obvious he was flirting. Something that I haven’t experienced since moving to San Diego. We chatted more. I said I hadn’t seen him around for awhile and he revealed that he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer and had been off work for about a month.
The more we chatted the more I grew to like this guy. We hugged and he said he wanted to share a bottle of wine sometime. That sounded divine to me. He is a handsome, rugged man, who moved here from Mexico 38 years ago. So we decided to make plans to do that.
The next couple of months I was working two jobs and always gone. I rarely saw him and when I did I only had time for a quick wave! But one day we stopped and chatted and I said “Let’s get together sometime!” A rather brave comment from me. And he said, “When?? You’re always gone!” So we made a date. When he came to my apartment that night he said he’d be off work in about an hour and we could get together. I suggested maybe getting a bite to eat and asked if we could go to an authentic Mexican restaurant. He said, “okay” and said he’d come back a bit later.
When he did come back he said something came up and it’d be 9 or so before he got off work. I said, “ok, another time!” He agreed. I gave him my phone number since I was rarely around and said, “Call me!” We hugged and he left.
That was probably April. Since that time he’s basically ignored me. No waves, no acknowledgment that I even existed. I figured I came on too strong by suggesting dinner instead of a glass of wine. But for me, I wanted to be somewhere public, not in my apartment complex. Not on a first “date”. I also then assumed that this man was married. So I let it go. Goodbye, Alberto. Thanks for the ego boost, but you lied to me. Adios Amigo!
But the whole situation bothered me. HE came onto ME! To me he was just a friend, nothing more. When he flirted with me in my apartment I was flattered. He’s a good looking man and quite friendly. So what the hell did I do wrong. For months I considered walking up to him and saying, “Listen guy YOU came onto ME! Not the other way around. I was just suggesting changing the venue! What’s up with that???”
I never did. I simply lacked the courage to do it.
But today, six months later, an opportunity presented itself. Or rather I just took advantage of the opportunity ~ there had been several others. I was walking down the apartment complex and saw him alone near his outdoor office. I walked towards him. He glanced at me and looked away. I motioned for him to come to me, signaling I wanted to talk to him. But he stood rigid. I kept walking. When I got close I whispered, “Can we talk?” He moved closer and smiled. I’m not sure exactly what I said, but I told him I’ve been wanting to talk to him for a long, long time. That he was my friend and I was sad that changed. I said I apologize if he felt I came on too strong (knowing that I didn’t, but putting some of this on me). That I merely wanted to be friends and never meant anything more. He put his arms around me and started to cry. He said, “You did nothing wrong. I am very attracted to you and that is the problem.” While he didn’t admit he was married, it was obvious he is. He stepped back and looked at me and stroked my hair. I started to cry and he wiped the tears from my eyes. Then from his own. We both stood there not knowing what to say, but feeling strongly drawn to one another.
I told him I have a strong belief in God and that I would never be involved with or even come on to a man who was married or living with someone.
He used the old cliché, in broken English, “it’s not you, it’s me. My life is difficult. But I am weak.” I said, “No you’re not weak, you’re strong to avoid a situation that is morally not right to you.” He said, “No, if I was strong I would not be attracted to you.” I disagreed. I said, “Alberto, those feelings are not in our control. How you handle them are. You are doing what is right. I want to be your friend. I want you to be able to talk to me… no strings attached.” He smiled and brushed my cheek.
At this point he was sweating profusely because it was very hot outside and he works very hard and was taking a break (until I walked up!) So we moved into the shade and hugged again. He said, “for now we are friends, but someday I hope to be more than friends with you.”
I said, “We shall see, Alberto when and if that day comes. I like you. I respect you and your situation and won't do anything to hurt you or anyone else.”
We hugged.
As I turned and walked away … he grabbed my arm. But I kept walking and didn’t look back. His hand slid down my arm and I paused briefly as our fingers touched. Then I broke away and started walking back toward my apartment. I could feel his eyes watching me and hear him softly say, “Janice…” Not really wanting me to hear. Not really wanting me to turn around. But maybe wanting me to know that he is torn.
Today I achieved something that I wanted to do. Explain my feelings for him and let him know I meant nothing more than to be his friend.
That was not entirely true. But now that I know the circumstances ~ it is.
I hope someday to wrap my arms around Alberto again. If not to love him, at least to comfort a man who appears very troubled.
Alberto. You are a good man!
